MODULE 1

For years being married was my single-focused goal. This led to me giving men access to my heart who didn’t deserve to be twelve feet near it! Why? Because I was trying to fulfill my goal without taking into consideration what that would mean to the rest of my life. I finally realized something was severely out of whack. I was accepting bad behavior from men because I wanted to check marriage off my “to-do” list. The problem was there wasn’t anything else on my “to-do” list. I had never really looked at “The Big Picture” of my life.

As my desperation to fill this void in my life escalated by discernment plummeted. Finally, quite exhausted from all the disappointments I took the time to assess “The Big Picture” of my life. If I never got married what else would I do? What else was I passionate about? What other things in life would feed me and give me fulfillment? This line of questioning took me on an adventure that culminated with me writing my first Best-selling book that sold over 200 hundred, thousand copies, “What to Do Until Love Finds You”. 

By the time I wrote my fifth book, also a Bestseller, “Sassy, Single and Satisfied” I literally laughed.  I had finally gotten there. My life had been free of drama and heartbreak for some time. I didn’t even notice when I made the transition from miserable and lonely to optimistic and fulfilled. 

As I mused about what was different about me, I realized I simply got a life. A life that wasn’t dependent on anyone else making me happy! Wow! It was a breakthrough for me. The reality of life is, we don’t know when, where or how we will meet that special someone so, joy should not be on hold until we do. 

During my time of self-reflection, I took the time to discover what God had in mind when he promised me, “The Abundant Life”, I reassessed “The Purpose of Life” on all levels—“The Spiritual Purpose” and “The Natural Purpose” of my life and all that I was doing. I had to take a good hard look at my “God Connection”. How intimate was I really with the One who loved me most? Could that possibly be the missing piece?  Then it got deeper I had to get real with myself, “Who Are You”, “Why Are you Here” I asked myself. Why I was taking up the air on planet earth. I had to think long and hard about what my real “Values and Beliefs” were. Based on all that information I was then able to dig into “Setting Life Goals” for myself so that I could be clear on who would best fit with what was critical to my joy, peace, purpose, and fulfillment. Last but certainly not least I had to understand “The Purpose of a Partner”—had I been looking at and for the wrong things?  Yes. I had to do the “Heart Work” and I’m so glad I did, perhaps you should too!

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MODULE 2

I must admit that while I was busy searching for love in all the wrong places, I never stopped to do the “Heart Work”. I found myself literally selling myself, in a way auditioning for the part of a wife. The song “Don’t You Want Me Baby” by the Human League was my theme song. Pretty pathetic right? I always had a “Build-A-Man” project. Later I would discover while they welcomed my help in making their dreams come true, they also resented it. So, you know what happened, they drifted off to women that made them feel more powerful and in control. 

I wasn’t comfortable with the Flower Theory. Don’t do anything just be, be beautiful, be the object of admiration. That seemed too simple. Until a mentor of mine said, girl, you need to “Know Your Value”! Yikes! I realized I did not know, believe, understand or celebrate my own value. Therefore, I was always operating out of my void. What I thought I was missing… that’s like going to the store hungry. You know what happens—you buy what you don’t need and return home with buyer’s remorse. I needed to “Locate my Thirst” and drink a glass of water, not wait for someone else to fill me. 

The best way to get over heartache was to get another man no longer rang true. It was time to “Get Rid of the Baggage” in my life that was clouding my judgment and causing me to attract the same scenarios over and over again. “Breaking the Cycle” was critical to me getting past my past experiences to embrace a new one. This was when I discovered the “Power of Forgiveness” to get over my exes and instead own some stuff and embrace the lessons I needed to learn from those scenarios. “Breaking Soul Ties” so that I had room in my heart to accommodate someone else proved to be liberating. 

I was able to move to “Active Recovery” and really “Understand and Deal with Pain” in a way that settled all my issues once and for all. It was only after going through all of these steps that I could finally exercise “Heart Mastery”. I no longer lived in my feelings. I was the master of my heart. Free to live and love. Assess the possibilities, make better choices, and be kinder to my own heart. You need to do that too!

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MODULE 3

Sad to say while I was commiserating with friends on our lack of success in the love arena and still looking sideways with one eye when I had decided quite vocally to declare a man fast until I figured this whole love and marriage thing out, there were a few basics I had overlooked. Someone asked me “What Is Love” — crickets. I wasn’t even sure if I knew “What Love is Not”, do you? I couldn’t even tell you “Where Love Begins”. How many times had you said to yourself or heard “Let’s just see where it goes…” only to find out “it” went nowhere! That’s what happens when you don’t have a grasp of the basics of what you are looking for. 

I sent a friend of mine to my room to find something for me. They never found it. I had told them where it was, even gave a brief description of it but it wasn’t enough. I went to get it and found it exactly where I told them it was. Why couldn’t they find it? Because they didn’t know what they were looking for. There are so many voices saying so many things, it’s hard to find the truth or even locate what you really need amid the noise even if you were told how to find love and what to do with it when you do. “The Importance of Solitude” is key to locating yourself and learning about the “Essence of Intimacy” and “Prioritizing Your Needs”. Only then can you find the path to “Mastering Your Needs” so you make better choices. 

Get rid of the noise! The noise of myths, bad advice, past experiences, and your own flesh! Anything worth finding, getting, and keeping demands understanding “The Discipline of Love”. Yes, there are certain things that have to be in place to create and sustain love. Ever wonder why married people can get married and divorced several times while you as a single person are just trying to get to one? It’s because they are already used to what it takes to get a mate. Being single for a long time can make it hard to adjust to the give and take and the “Truth About Submission”. But to experience the “Fruit of Love” you have to plant the right things in order to get what you want. It’s time to “Learn the Real Deal on Love” so we can align ourselves to receive all that we hope for!

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MODULE 4

Yes, it’s true. I was a serial dater. I must confess I was always able to attract the most fascinating men, only to discover that fascinating doesn’t necessarily mean marriageable. I experienced high highs and very low lows when it came to an end and the question I always asked myself was “What is wrong with me?” That was fun but now it hurts. Why do I keep dating the same types of men?  Somewhere along the way, well-meaning friends started chiming in after observing some of these whirlwind relationships I was having. They would tell me my standards were too high. I needed to dummy down a bit. Did every man I date have to be fine and flamboyant? Couldn’t I just find a nice man… ugh… why did that sound boring to me? Yet I was not getting what I believed I wanted, so what was the missing piece? 

Again, I found I wasn’t as in touch with myself as I needed to be. I couldn’t tell the difference between “Expectations vs. Standards”. If I didn’t know what I should be looking for I could end up settling for anything and gaining nothing. Can I get a witness? To be honest I ignored all the advice my mother gave me coming up and everything I had read in “The Rules” and didn’t quite get the importance of “The Order of the Pursuit”. I was so out of line, doing my own thing, wooing, and pursuing instead of allowing myself to be chosen, “Collecting Data” and taking the time to see if the person I was considering was even worthy of applying my time to “Courtship”. 

I was too busy trying to close the deal and get the man to commit to being more discerning about “True Intimacy” and the unspoken things we don’t realize about “Sex.” I needed a real “Mind Adjustment”! Not just about dating but marriage itself. The goal was to get married without even considering “The Business of Marriage” and if I was truly ready for employment. “Role-Playing” had been a convenient means of auditioning for the wife spot, but I wasn’t clear on the real role. I just modeled the parts I liked and was comfortable with, without considering God’s job descriptions for both parties. I didn’t really know what I was signing up for. When you don’t know what you are signing up for you won’t know whom to sign up with! One thing leads to the other. How will you know what you can live with long-term if you don’t know all that is involved? And if you’re serious about finding a true love that lasts it’s time to become clear on the realities of love and marriage… its serious business!

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MODULE 5

If I were to write about all the things my momma never told me, it would probably begin with “The Business of Love”. She made it look so easy! Talk about her and my dad being the “Perfect Match”. How do you find that? I asked her one day about how she and my dad got together, and she just said she decided he would make a good husband and he was so cute! Huh? She decided? I thought the man decided… apparently, we run the show more than we know but it cannot appear to be so. She told me how he fell in love with her barbeque and declared he would marry the woman who cooked it, so it’s true one must master the art of “Receiving Through Serving” there’s this mysterious thing that happens when we learn to “Make the Right Moves”. 

My mother is one of the most feminine women I know, yet she is very strong and decisive. It wasn’t until her later years that I found this out. I don’t think she pumped her own gas until my father got ill in his 70’s and yet she knew how to do it ad he was happy to do it. While you are snorting at that, believe me “The Strength of Vulnerability” was in full effect at our house. 

Between listening to mom and other older women with successful marriages, finally, I was beginning to see “The Advantage of Counsel” when it came to affairs of the heart. One day one of my mentors said something so powerful to me. She said, “I’ve watched you over the years in your relationships and you have never given a man permission to land.” She could as well have punched me in the stomach. Not just giving them the opportunity, I also had not even let on I was interested in them landing. I had missed some of the nuances in the courtship process, missing valuable windows of opportunity to get a solid commitment. 

I didn’t realize that “Timing is Everything” or how to play the “Waiting Game,” how to drop enough nuggets to get my desired end without pushing. I didn’t know how to get my partner to see my value because I didn’t know the “Cost of Love” myself. I didn’t know how to do the dance so I just floated until the river ran dry. On the other side of the coin, my mother told me after she had dated my dad for a year she told him it was nice meeting him but she never gave a man more than one year of her life without a commitment. You know the end of the story, they got married! Not only did my mother know the art of “Closing the Deal” she was willing to do the work of “Love Maintenance” Sixty years later they are still in love! I want that, don’t you?

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MODULE 6

Most of us can say that our outer attributes look good on paper but if we are honest, we struggle with “Emotional Intelligence”. The ability to lift and separate fact from fiction when it comes to our relational affairs. This became so clear to me when I wrote “How to Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single Women Make”.  There were repeated mistakes made all because of what “Women Don’t Know and Men Don’t Tell You.” Men and women are very different and although we don’t like to think of love as a game it is to a certain extent. There are unspoken rules that keep us from winning if we don’t play well. Being able to master “Conflict Resolution” is huge because men and women process things so differently. You’ve got to learn the “Secrets of an Irresistible Woman” and what makes her irresistible to a man. You’ve got to stop rehearsing the way things should be and learn the “Real Deal on Life, Love and Men”.

And while we’re at it lets back up.  Before you got your job, you had to have “The Interview” to present your credentials for that job. Love is a job. If you’re wondering, “How to Make Love Work” have you considered if your applicant is qualified? Do you know enough about their character, their habits, their values, their “Love Languages and Temperament” to know if you are a good match?

Are you still “Overcoming Heartache” and dealing with issues of “Divorce and Remarriage”? To get the love, you need and deserve, the slate must be wiped clean, the homework done, on your mind and your heart so that you not only love much but love well. We’ve got to learn to love appropriately and use our heads just as much as our hearts when it comes to love. The choice is all ours. The more we know the more we can flourish, enjoying all the benefits of love like joy, romance, and passion. And did I say fulfillment? Yes, you being filled to the full and beyond with all you dreamed of. Well, let’s get smart about life and love. That is if you really want it!

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